A Christianity That Works

Preached by Rev. Ed Brouwer at The Gathering Place, Osoyoos
Pulpit Series Volume 18, Issue 13, May 11, 2008

Part X “How To Avoid Arguments”

Avoiding arguments James 4
James gives us both the reason and the remedy for arguments. James doesn't beat around the bush, he gets right to the point. Chapter 4:1 “What causes fights and quarrels among you. Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?”

Sparks fly when my wants conflict with your wants. They say “love is blind, but marriage, opens your eyes”. All marriages go through three stages:
1. Happy honeymoon
2. The party’s over
3. Let’s make a deal

Basically in any human relationship, you have to learn how to avoid arguments because there will be conflicting desires.

Scripture reveals that there are three basic desires that cause conflict. These may be legitimate desires, but out of control,
even God-given desires will cause conflict.

I THE DESIRE TO HAVE
4:2 “You want what you don’ t have ... you long for what others have.” God created things to be used and enjoyed, not to drive us with the need to obtain more.

Someone asked Howard Hughes one time, “How much does it take to make a man happy?” He replied, “Just a little bit more.”

If you decide to base your life on comparing it to other people, you will never be happy no matter how much you get. Just the time you catch up with the Jones’ they refinance.

II THE DESIRE TO FEEL
I want to feel good, to be comfortable. According to James 4:3 “You want only what will give you pleasure.” It's not wrong to enjoy life as we see in I Timothy 6:17 “God made everything for our enjoyment”, but when pleasure becomes my number one goal, I’m asking for conflict.

III THE DESIRE TO BE
This is pride, power, popularity, the need to be number one. It's the desire for “me first”.
Proverbs 13:10 “Pride leads to arguments.” Why…..because I'm too proud to compromise and that causes conflict.

Have you ever been in an argument where you knew you were wrong, but you wouldn't admit it. Why? Because of pride.

James 4:2-3 “You don’t have, because you don’t ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives.”

Here James tells us two reasons why our desires aren't fulfilled.
1. We don't ask God. We look to people to fulfill our needs instead of looking to God.
2. When we do pray, we have wrong motives, being selfish.

Philippians 4:19 “My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

Pride also affects how we pray. Why don't I pray? Do I think I don’t need God? The more I depend on God, the more I'd pray.

Oh what peace we often forfeit,
Oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry,
everything to God in prayer.

James goes on in verse 6 that “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble”. God declares war on selfishness.

Have you noticed that God has a unique way of engineering circumstances to pop our pride? Just when you think, “I've got it together”, God puts you in your place.

THE CURE FOR ARGUMENTS IS HUMILITY
James 4:6-10 “God gives grace to the humble. Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

Grace is God's power to change. You can't change it on your own. You need God's power and that's called grace. There is only one way you get grace and that is you have to humble yourself.

God gives grace when we come and say, “God, I need your help” That's where we get the power to make changes.

James then gives four specific actions you can use to diffuse a conflict.

GIVE IN TO GOD
“Submit yourself then to God.” This is the starting point. In verse 1, James says that conflict happens with other people because you have conflict on the inside.

If you're in charge of your life, anytime someone comes along that doesn't go the way you want to go, you get uptight, you get irritable and upset.

Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.”

When we have the peace of Christ in our hearts, we'll be at peace with other people.

The turning point comes when you give up. Tell God that you can't do it without Him. Start praying, “Lord, change me.” Let Him work on you and watch what happens. Learn to say, “Thy will be done”.

GET WISE TO SATAN
Be alert. Understand where conflict comes from. Understand that the devil wants to destroy every good relationship. Loving conflict, the devil wants to cause stress, hurt feelings, disappointment, anger, and chaos.

“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” The word “resist” is a war term. It means to be prepared, to stand against. James says you've got to give in to God and then take some defensive action. You resist the devil.

Perhaps the reason some folk never
run head on into the devil, is that
their going in the same direction.

II Corinthians 2:11 “In order that Satan might not outwit us, we are not unaware of his schemes.” Paul says, smart’n up!

The devil plays on our pride, particularly wounded pride. He whispers in our ear, little thoughts, suggestions, and ideas. When you're in the middle of an argument, he starts whispering in your ear, things like “You don't have to take this kind of stuff. Who do they think they are? Show 'em who's boss.”

Resist the devil, in the same way Jesus did, by quoting scripture.

Proverbs 13:10 “Pride leads to arguments.” The next time you get into an argument, bring that to mind. Stop and think, “What am I not willing to admit? Why am I unwilling to compromise?”

A great promise:
Give in to God, Resist the devil and he’ll flee.

GROW CLOSER TO GOD
The more time you spend alone with God, the better you get along with other people.

Isaiah 26:3 “He will keep him in perfect peace all those who trust in Him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord.”
Have you noticed how people only draw close to God when they're in trouble? They only pray when they are in need. Do you ever wonder if that is why God allows trouble to come because He wants you to spend time with Him?

The more you spend time with the Lord, the more you're going to enjoy the rest of your time. It will be more productive, more beneficial. There is a great promise here too, when you move toward Him, God moves toward you.

BE WILLING TO ASK FORGIVENESS
If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, avoid arguments, learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those you hurt. Verse 8 “Wash your hands, purify your hearts.”

Our hands represent our conduct and our hearts represent attitudes.

He's saying, clean up your act. Verse 9 “Let there be tears for the wrong you've done.” Don't minimize what's happened, take it seriously. Be sorry for your self-centeredness.

If someone says you've hurt them, you've hurt them. It may not be a big deal to you, but it was to them.
Be willing to ask forgiveness.

Maybe they are 95% wrong and you're only 5% at fault, but you take care of your 5% and let God handle the other 95% in their life. Their response is their response.

“I know we've had our differences and I know I haven't always been thoughtful. A lot of times I've thought more about myself than your needs.” How humbling that would be….right!!!
Remember God gives grace to the humble!

If you want to change, the only way you're going to change is to be humble, and the only way to be humble is to go and ask forgiveness.

Maybe this week you need to write a letter, make a call, make some restitution even to that person who's irritated you.

The way to honor is humility. The Bible says that God lifts up the humble and the more honest we are about our weaknesses and our faults, the more God honors us.